Beauty in the mundane

Today was the most beautiful mundane Tuesday. It started off with the most beautiful sunrise. We keep seeing a planet shining so bright in the East. I need to see which one it is. The kids and I worked hard at school. I got to eat lunch with C and a friend. Lunch talk with two 3rd graders is so fun! It was sunny and in the low 80’s which to me is a perfect day. When we got home I opened the windows and aired out our home. If it’s not a horribly humid day you will find our windows open no matter how hot it is. I made some soup with a bunch of colorful veggies and homemade croutons. I love cooking from scratch. I love the way I feel after I eat a meal that I know every single ingredient that is in it. I love knowing that what I’m feeding my kids is actually nourishing them. After dinner we snuggled in the hammock for a bit. This is one of our favorite pastimes. It usually starts with me taking my book (and phone) out there to read and give it about 10 minutes I usually have at least one person snuggling with me an in at least 15 minutes it will be both, haha! I love it. I wish it would last forever…

After we hammocked B started mowing the lawn. Do you know how much I get done now that B can mow the lawn for me?!? While he mowed I cleaned my garage. I have a ridiculously large garage that overwhelms me. Today I cleaned up the cobwebs and the windows and doors and after B finished mowing he even helped me sweep it out. It was so sweet. He asked me if I needed help and I said he had already helped me enough and that he could go inside and relax. His response was, “It’s ok Mom, I like doing chores.” It was funny because we both wanted to sweep but I finally let him do it. Then I got out the leaf blower to get it all done quicker and he took over that right away and I got my broom back, haha!

After the garage was cleaned I also tackled my back deck! I swept it and moved the furniture all around and put a hammock up. It looks so nice now! I also ran to the store to get some cat food for Karen Catpender. She is the new cat that adopted us. She is the most petite black cat with bright green eyes. When you live in the country animals tend to adopt you and not the other way around.

It feels good to be in my bed now. I am so tired but I like enjoying this alone time too. I’m sure I’ll finish my New Yorker crossword puzzle and then head to bed.

Life truly is so beautiful in the mundane. Don’t take these days for granted. I just know I’m going to look back on them so fondly when I am old. I feel like Mary treasuring them up in my heart. Life is a gift.

Sacred

Tonight was an evening of community. It was a time to mourn with family and friends as a family so dear to us are going through the deepest of grief. It was hard, devastating, beautiful, and sacred. I am so thankful for the community God has blessed me with. We have all been together our whole lives for the good and the bad. We have all been there to hold the others arms up. We remind each other of Jesus and His goodness and faithfulness when it’s so very hard to remember. My heart is broken tonight for them and with them but my eyes are on Jesus. He is faithful and has been with us through it all. He gives a purpose to our grief and a hope and peace that passes all understanding. I know for some that feels like platitudes but in my experience it is what grounds me and keeps me sane. It’s what helps me get up in the morning and it gives me purpose in raising my two not so little ones. I have a lot more thoughts but honestly, they are too sacred and private to share out into the void. Please know though that if you are grieving or you feel alone there is hope for you in this world. Please reach out, leave a comment, something or anything. You are loved and know that the world is better because you are in it.

Back At It

I know I keep saying I want to write more this year but the fact of the matter is I already have, haha!! We are back into the swing of things with school. I really do a lot better with the consistency of work. While I love summer I just don’t think I’m quite disciplined enough for it. I feel like I am extremely disciplined on a few things and then the rest of my life I am not disciplined at all. It’s not very balanced. I think if I could change something about myself it would be that. I am trying to work on doing better though. Today was actually a very successful day. I was productive at work and then I came home and I stayed busy all afternoon. I didn’t lay down in bed and be on my phone all evening. I failed at my goal of decreasing screen time this summer. I am trying to decrease it again though. It’s no secret that I love twitter and I was contemplating if Twitter loves me back. That is how I am viewing the things in my life right now that I want to keep or remove, “Does this love me back.” The conclusion that I have come to is “yes” twitter does love me back. I have developed an amazing community there. The problem is though that I have not created good boundaries for it. Therefore I am not going to get rid of it all together but for the next week I am going to only check it from my laptop. I hope to do this for a month but let’s be real. I suck at this test the most, haha!

I am also implementing a no spend month. I have a few things that I need to spend on that I have already had plans for but other than that I am not buying anything new and I am going to buy healthy groceries with ingredients to make meals that my kids like and we all enjoy. I spend so much money eating out and I’ve also gained so much weight eating out. Something has got to give for both my health and my pocketbook.

I spent the last couple of years in kind of a plateau in all areas of my life. What was so interesting is I felt peace in that plateau. It was almost like God was saying, “rest” and I really feel like I did. God is always faithful and we do not have to perform for Him. I do want to be faithful to Him too though. I want to be a good steward of my time, body, children, money, friendships, etc. Not only does this benefit me even though it’s hard work I think it brings glory to God too…though honestly, I think my couple years of rest brought glory to Him too. I can’t do it on my own and life is journey. We are not going to be perfect and the beauty of God’s grace is that we don’t have to be.

Thursday

I have been thinking about simplicity and the small things lately. There is so much pressure in our society to consume and never be satisfied. I used to be very minimalistic but that was because I was super poor. Now that I am older and make more money I have gotten into the habit of buying more things. I get that feeling in my gut that I hate so much, the “I want this and I will not be satisfied until I have this” feeling. Reflecting on this I notice that I am not only struggling with this feeling when it comes to stuff but also to food. In my year of health and really want to be conscience of this feeling and I want to not give into every desire I have. That’s not health. It’s not healthy physically, spiritually, or mentally. There is a discipline in self control that I need to grow into my life. Self control is also a fruit of the Spirit so I believe that He will help me grow in this area too. I really want to learn a balance of enjoying the things I love in moderation and completely removing them from my life. I inadvertently experience this back in 2016-2018. I had two babies, health issues, and my marriage was falling apart. I was doing everything in my power to take care of everyone and myself. I cut out so much junk from my diet and I implemented some healthy habits to help me stay afloat. Over the last 5 years I am no longer in survival mode so I have let these habits slip. This time around I want to do this for myself because it truly is what’s best. I don’t want to have to do it because I will figuratively drown if I don’t but I want to do it because I love myself and I can. Health is a gift and privilege. God has given it to me right now and I want to take good care of this gift while I have it.

This entry really ended up in a direction that I wasn’t planning on taking when I started it but welcome to my thought life, haha! It’s a bit confusing and twisty and twervy but I’m writing for myself. So I am not going to edit but just let it be as it is.

Tuesday’s Thoughts

You know how sometimes you don’t even know you’re missing something until you have it again? I forgot how wonderful it is to be known on the daily. I feel like as my kids grow up they are doing little things that show that they are thinking of me and that they KNOW me. When they were little they would make pictures and crafts for me and I know I have always been their world but now they go out of their way to do special things that they know help me and it touches my heart every single time.

We had been driving my parent’s car for about a week while my dad was fixing mine. Once my car was fixed (thanks Dad! 🙂 ) and we were back in our car again and I forgot to grab the garage door opener for a couple of days. This was annoying and every time I entered or left my garage I would lament not having it and then forget the very next moment. Yesterday as I was pulling into the driveway after being at my parents I go, “Ugh! I forgot the garage door opener again!!” and B from the back goes, “Look up mom!” and there on my visor was the garage door opener. He grabbed it for me and put it in the car. It’s little ways like this that make me feel taken care of again. Not in big ways because it’s not my kid’s job to take care of me but in sweet little family ways. They are turning into very sweet and empathetic humans and I am so very proud of them.

Summer Musings

The kids are done with school. I still have two more weeks to finish up all the loose ends and then it will be summer break for me too! The weather in Indiana this year has been very mild so far. I’ve had the windows open every day and have only turned the air on at night. It’s so nice and refreshing. I’ve already taken countless naps in the the sun after work. I love how spring and summer are so life giving. I bought a hammock for the backyard and I know that’s where I am going to be a lot of the summer, swinging and swaying in the breeze.

I went to Meijer on Friday and spent way too much money on plants. It was great though because unlike most years past they are already planted and potted thanks to the help of my kids. Having older kids is such a blast. They are funny and have smart conversation and they are so helpful too. Sometimes that last part needs to be encouraged out of them but when it comes to gardening my kids are for it, especially B. There is something so refreshing getting your hands in the dirt. We planted daisies this year. I also bought some pretty pots and planted a lavender which is one of my favorites and some other colorful flowers. Daisies and Sweet Peas are my favorite flowers and I will have both in my garden now.

Tomorrow is family day at my parent’s house. We will be celebrating my dad’s and brother in law’s birthdays. It’s going to be a day full of swimming and games probably. A family favorite is Telestrations and I am sure my brother will get out some Mario Super Smash too.

So I have quite a few habits I want to start for this summer but I’m nervous to start them. I am frustrating myself a bit because they are small and I know they will benefit me and my life so much so I don’t know why I am dragging my feet so much. I am very much a fly by the seat of my pants sort of person but I also have daily routines that I am very consistent in. I think I need to work on changing my mind to thinking of them as routines instead of habits and that may help this hump that I am in.

Today will be a good day though. B is going hiking with a friend and C and I are having a girls day here. We are going to clean and organize and probably watch Pitch Perfect 3 which is her favorite. Nothing too exciting but just enjoying taking care of our home together.

Solar Powered

I have a friend who once told me, “Sarah, you are solar powered.” I don’t think I had ever felt so seen before that, haha! I feel like every year winter almost gets me. I have no energy and I sleep all winter long. The past two days have been so warm and I have spent hours outside. Today I took two separate walks and I worked in my herb garden for an hour and it’s 10pm and I’m still awake! I know I will not be awake for long but I feel so rejuvenated. My skin is sun kissed and my body is so happy to be moving more again. My hands loved being in the dirt and B and I have a pretty big project we have to accomplish for two smallish people, haha! It will be fun though and revamping my herb garden and I know it’s going to look so nice when we are through with it!

A Thought From Today

I write this as I have my 8 year old sleeping next to me. Her cute little snores warm my heart. I took a picture of her a few minutes ago because when she sleeps I still see the little toddler face in her features. These are the only times I get glimpses of that fleeting past.

I remember watching my Grandma look at my dad when we would visit her the last couple years before she passed away. He was the youngest, her baby, and in my mother’s heart I could tell that she didn’t see him as the 60 year old gray haired man that he was but she saw him as her little Sammy. Oh how she lit up every time my dad came into the room. She would be happy to see all of us but you could tell there was something extra special with him.

I always ask my kids, “promise me you will always be my baby?” It used to be met with a resounding “Yes Mommy!” Now I can tell the “yes’s” are just to please me because they are excited to grow up. Little do my kids know that they have no choice in the matter. They will always be my babies. Of course they will grow up and have their own lives but when we get together I will light up and I know that I will still see them as my babies. Even when they have old hair and wrinkles too.

A Year of Health

I can’t remember if I wrote about this before but 2023 is my year that I want to focus on my health. Not only my physical health but also my mental and spiritual health. I feel like I am at the beginning of a big growth spurt. It’s a little intimidating but also exciting too. I know there will be some growing pains and setbacks but life is a journey. One thing that I feel like I am blessed with is an interesting perspective on time. I am able to see things in more of a big picture and grand scheme than in the here and now. Which honestly, I don’t feel like it’s very appreciated in the culture now a days. Successful people seem to be very detailed oriented and being able to put a bandaid on the problem at hand is what people want done. I think instead of putting bandaids on things I try and see how I can prevent even needing the bandaid. Or a different perspective that I tend to have is the bandaid is actually good and getting the scrape is not a negative thing. It’s a learning experience in the long run. So for this year I don’t want to fix things and try and make my life perfect. Yuck, no…I hate perfection. It’s boring and too predictable. I do want to set up habits to meet a few goals that I am trying to make but what I really want to do in this year is set up a lifestyle that is full of joy, contentment, wonder, beauty, stability, love, peace, and thriving. I tell my kids and myself all the time “just because something is hard does not make it bad.” I’m trying to reframe mine and my families perspective when it comes to that. I want us to find joy in the simple things even if they are actually a bit harder to begin with.

I have noticed that good things tend to be harder. I think that’s because work isn’t supposed to be bad. Whether you take Genesis literally or figuratively work was before the fall. Men and Women were created to take care and cultivate the earth and the creatures on the earth. The fall didn’t change that it just made that job more difficult. It brought pain to the work. So while there can be a lot of pain in our work I think we can find joy in it too. We find purpose, community, a way of life in not only our jobs but also the work that we do outside of our jobs.

I don’t want you to get hung up on the capitalistic view of work. When I say “work” I don’t mean our jobs. Of course that is included in the definition but we have a lot of other work that goes on every day that isn’t just our jobs. I think this work especially is where we can find a lot of beauty and contentment in.

I think that part of growing up is coming to the realization that the mundane work of life never ends. There will always be dishes to clean, clothes to wash, bathrooms to scrub. It will never go away. The ironic thing is that once I came to that realization and acceptance it helped me not dread those chores as much. I realized I was spending way more time griping, procrastinating, and dreading the tasks then it took to just do the tasks themselves. I was my own worst enemy. I still don’t enjoy doing all the tasks. I HATE putting the clean laundry away. I hate it with an undying passion but alas, it’s still always there needing to be put away. I’ve come to accept that fate and it truly has made it easier to get the job done.

One of my goals for this year is to find joy and contentment in the mundane of this work. It’s such a big part of our lives and I don’t want to live for the weekend. I want to live for the here and now. I want to find the wonder and the beauty that is right in front of me. I want to find the wonder and the beauty that is in my job work but also my day to day work. I want to instill this into my children. Life is beautiful. Our work can be beautiful. Hard things don’t always mean they are bad things and isn’t that a grace in it’s self?

March 4, 2023

Today was a good day. It wasn’t productive one bit but it was good! I spent all day reading a book that completely engrossed me. I am finding my stride when it comes to reading again. Growing up I loved reading so much but then I fell out of it. My friend told me it was probably from my trauma and it’s a sign that I’m healing. I’ll take any ounce of encouragement that I’m healing that anyone will give me these days!

I was supposed to go out with my dad and sister tonight. The kids were going to spend the night at my parents. My sister had to cancel so the kids and I visited my parents instead and played telestrations. That game is absolutely hysterical and breckin and Colleen make me laugh so hard every time we play. They are absolutely hysterical. All 5 of us were crying we were laughing so hard. It was a balm for my soul.

It’s so weird being in the mental state that I am. Where I am finally admitting that I’m struggling with depression and healing yet I am also so very content. I love my life and I look at my family, my children, and my friends and know I’m extremely blessed.